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Think First

I recently offended a coworker. Not on purpose, by any means. I just didn’t think about how my reaction to something would affect him. Since he didn’t say anything to me about it, I figured I’d just go on like nothing happened. After all, it’s not like we’re close friends. I like my coworker, but at the end of the day, he’s just the person in the next office, right?

Wrong. The more I thought about it that day, the more ashamed of myself I became. “Karen,” I said to myself. “You’re a jerk.”

Because it hit me. He and I may not be close friends, but he’s still a person. A person I like. A person who deserves to have his feelings acknowledged. And, when I’ve hurt those feelings, I should own up to it. This is what I tell my kids to do when they’ve offended someone. I should walk the talk.

The incident with my coworker made me think about what I see in my daily travels online. There are a lot of perfectly decent people not thinking about the effect their words and actions have on the people they interact with.

Look at the comments of almost any news article. You see a lot of name calling, rudeness and general disrespect. The more controversial the subject (like politics), the more the gloves come off.

It’s easier, I guess, to throw down online. You don’t know the person on the other end of that comment. Chances are, you’re never going to see them or even interact with them again. Not to mention you’re hidden behind an avatar and a couple of firewalls. So who cares if you call them a disrespectful name, right?

Wrong. That person you just called a disparaging name in your comment is a person with feelings. And while some may think it’s stupid for someone to have their feelings hurt online by a faceless commenter, it can still happen. If you’re purposely throwing out offensive comments, it stands to reason that your aim is to offend.

But I do believe (I have to believe) that people aren’t that disrespectful in their day-to-day lives. That they’re only caught up in the moment or the argument. Not that being caught up in the moment is an excuse. But it’s more palatable than thinking the human race is rapidly flushing decency down the toilet.

I have to believe that if these people arguing over their chosen topic were arguing face-to-face, they’d be a bit more polite; respectful.

That they’d realize that the person standing in front of them is indeed a person with feelings. And they wouldn’t purposely hurt those feelings. And that if they did hurt them, they’d man up and apologize.

I also have to believe that the respect and decency we (should) show each other in face-to-face interactions will eventually make it into our screen-to-screen ones. That we’ll remember there’s a living, breathing, feeling person on the other side of the ‘net and act like our parents taught us to act.

Speaking of acting like my parents taught me to and apologies. The day after my offensive behavior, I put on my big girl panties and apologized to my coworker for being completely thoughtless. I also vowed, to myself, that whether I am dealing with people in person or online, I’ll make a conscious effort to respect their feelings.

And to remember to think before I speak, write or act.

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Christmas Memories

My favorite part of Christmas has always been family gatherings. The bigger the gathering, the better in my book. I think this stems from the fact that Christmas was a huge affair when I was little.

We spent Christmas with my dad’s family. He’s one of five children, so holidays at my grandmother’s house were loud; full of love, laughter and food. (And I’ll never figure out how she managed to cook all of that food in her tiny kitchen.)

Our Christmas celebrations started on Christmas Eve. After a delicious fish dinner prepared by my grandmother, the whole family piled into the living-room to exchange gifts. (My gifts usually involved the two most important “B’s” in my little girl life: Barbies and Books.) Then we’d head home where my parents probably had a heck of a time getting my sister and I tucked into bed.

Christmas day brought gifts from Santa (and occasionally, Rudolph) and a morning of church. Then, back to grandma’s for what can only be described as a feast: Soups, salads, pasta, meat, veggies, cookies, pies and cool whip.

Then the family spent the rest of the day there playing, napping, eating again, watching t.v. and just enjoying being together.

When I think of Christmas, these memories of family gatherings are what come to mind first. When I first moved away from Rhode Island, I missed those gatherings terribly. But I started creating other, new memories in my new home. And now that I have kids, I get to help them create great memories of Family and Christmas.

Feel free to share your favorite Christmas (or the holiday of your religion) memories!

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The Closet Crybaby

I know that I’ll use my blog as a vehicle to vent my frustrations regarding the trials and tribulations of parenthood. But, I also want to make sure that I use it to share some of the pride and joy my kids bring to my life as well. And, you know, brag on them a bit at times.

I’m a crybaby. A big one.

I discovered my sniveling status about a decade ago during a presentation on the rainforest my oldest son (codename: Connor) delivered to his first grade class. The look of horror on his face when he realized it was actually his mother sniffling in the middle of the audience was enough to shame me into trying to keep my waterworks to myself from then on.

But I still have them. I can’t help it. I tear up whenever I experience strong emotions. Pride being one of those.

And this past week of school band performances thoroughly tested my ability to keep my sniffles and tears hidden.

Alan's first music performance.My first challenge? Alan’s very first music concert with his band class. For a group of kids who’d never touched an instrument until four months ago, they sounded all right!

At least, it no longer sounded like a squirrel farm undergoing a painful, mass-suicide ritual. (I’m sorry, but a beginner instrument, especially the trumpet, can sound harsh at first.)

The kids and their band director worked hard all fall. For their first public concert, they treated the proud parents in the audience to classics like “London Bridge” and “Jingle Bells” as well as “My Dredel.” I did great keeping the sniffles in check all the way up to their finale; Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy.”

Yes. A few tears of joy escaped. And a sniffle or ten. Connor, sitting next to me, pretended not to notice (as I pretended not to notice him rolling his eyes at me).

The marching band performs "Rocky Point Holiday."Then it was his turn to challenge my anti-sniffle ability. He performed in two of the pieces during his school’s two and a half hour Performing Arts Winter Showcase (PAWS for short).

Thankfully, it was dark in the auditorium during the concert band’s performance of “Undertow” by John Mackey. I easily hid my red nose and watery eyes. Hiding them during the marching band’s performance of “Rocky Point Holiday” was a bit more of a struggle.

For one thing, the lights were on. For another, the marching band surrounds the entire audience and a couple of his friends were standing right next to me. The pressure to not cry was fierce! I ended up hiding behind my camera phone, taking pictures. Surprisingly, the pictures turned out OK.

So my readers, Connor and Alan especially, if you ever see me sitting in the very back of the auditorium, or suddenly studying my phone, hands, or shoe-laces, it’s not because I’m bored or not paying attention.

It’s so you won’t see me shedding those tears of pride in my seat.

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Raising the Borg

Please bear with me as I give you a little back-story for this post.

My youngest son (Codename: Alan) is ADHD. When his first grade teacher first mentioned the possibility, I admit I just smiled and nodded politely. At the time, I believed that too many kids were needlessly diagnosed as ADHD and medicated. Then, when his second grade teacher brought up the possibility, I thought maybe there might be something to it.

Fast-forward past his primary care physician and two different child psychologists and he’s officially diagnosed as ADHD. Between his doctor, a therapist, and his teachers and I working very closely with each other and Alan, he’s managed to overcome most of the issues with impulse control, focusing, and listening that made school so hard for him in the beginning.

But there’s one, big problem that remains: Homework.

Homework has been a constant struggle since the first “Learn your ABC’s” homework sheet came home. In the beginning, he just wouldn’t do it. He’d sit at the table for the entire night getting distracted by the wood grain in his chair, the crayon wrappers, the popcorn ceiling or anything else that snagged his eye. Nights usually ended with both of us crying and the homework barely done.

And if he did finish it, he’d forget to turn it in.

That hasn’t changed a whole lot. He gets his homework done without (many) tears and distractions, but more often than not, he won’t turn it in. I’ll get progress reports home that look like this:

Test Average: 103
Homework Average: 37

Through the years, we’ve come up with many tricks* to help him remember, on his own, to turn in his homework or complete tasks. Unfortunately, Alan is rather like the Borg. His personal homework shields adapt quickly to a new process. Once he’s assimilated that process, it stops working. I’m then back at square one, frantically trying to adjust the settings on my “remember to hand your homework in, dangit!” phaser to hit him with a new one.

His teachers, bless them, help me as much as they can. By virtue of their professions, they have more ideas in their bag of tricks than I do, which they freely pass along. Ultimately though, it’s my job to get Alan responsible enough to remember to do what he needs to do.

And already I’m seeing signs that the homework shields are once again adapting.

Look for future posts as I discuss new ideas and how well they worked.

*If anyone, parent or not, has any homework help ideas, I will gladly hear them! Feel free to pass along your wisdom in the comments.